Grad school stress: My neverending story

-->

It’s been one long haul. 

(Advance apologies for the longggggg self-reflective ramblings-on that are about to ensue.)

I haven’t really had a chance to recap, until now, on how I managed to arrive at this particular point in my grad school career. Excited but anxious...and finally seeing a pinprick of light at the end of this tunnel (akin in my mind to the Trans-Siberian railway or the Great Wall of China). I hope that through sharing I can offer some reassurance to those who are in the middle of grad school and feeling like there's no end in sight. I was there, mere months ago.

First off, it’s somewhat of a small miracle that my PhD defense is now <1 month away. Second, I can hardly recognize the shadow of the Nat I used to be before embarking on this mental marathon. Not only have I packed on the pounds, gone deeper into debt, and have taken to drowning my sorrows in EtOH-containing beverages; I’ve never in my life been sicklier or all-round anxious. Here I am still struggling for survival while most others of my cohort have already produced mini replicas of themselves. But I can't complain too much about my #firstworldproblems. It was, after all, my choice to walk this path so I suppose I should suffer the consequences. Some examples of said consequences:

-->

• Social life? Practically non-existent! Unless I count "party chats" on Battle.net (woo hoo!). While computer games are not exactly research-related, I can at least partially avoid the soul-crushing guilt I inevitably experience every time I leave my computer vigil (and zap some Zerglings while I'm at it--highly therapeutic). 
• What fashion forwardness? Thanks, but I’m perfectly happy in my holey mismatched socks, sneaks with soles so thin I can feel every pebble as I walk, and jeans from 1999 with the crotch repaired not once but twice. Besides, it's hip to be eco-conscious! 
• Thoughts on basically all of the PhD comics? Kinda funny—but not really! Har har.

Don't know whether to laugh or sob.

…So how did I find myself in the midst of this madness?

Despite being born to South Korean immigrant parents (who survived the war, no less), I can’t say I relate to YouTube parodies of ferocious Asian tiger moms and dads demanding that their cubs do little else than hit the books and practice piano. Maybe it's because I come from a large brood and they were too exhausted trying to keep up with the lot of us! I studied because I actually derived pleasure from it, no prodding required. In high school I opted out of social circles. Once in awhile, I had to remind myself to put in an appearance just so I didn’t look like TOO much of a weirdo. But my idea of a perfect lunch hour was in the library poring over a stack of Scientific American or National Geographic, reading about string theories, faraway planets, and deep-sea creatures.

I was full of zest and ready to change the world when I started my Master’s degree, way back in the fall of '06. At my uni there’s the option of rolling up to a Ph.D. without completing the M.Sc., provided you have the backing of your supervisor and committee members. After finishing off my first field season with a bang, I was raring for more and of the mentality that this grad school thing is a piece of cake! Little did I know, the honeymoon doesn't last forever (nor does the wedding cake).

All came crashing down the night before one sunny spring day in 2008, a.k.a. the most traumatic day of my entire life, a.k.a. the Ph.D. preliminary or comprehensive exam (depending on the institution). I'm usually a laid-back, easy-going person. But the night before the exam I found myself in a frenzied state. At approximately 11:15 pm, I seriously contemplated making a run for it across busy Yonge Street in all-black attire. Surely the examining committee will go easy on me if I wheel myself into the exam room sporting double leg casts AND right arm cast, I thought. I’d just have to strategize carefully such that I didn’t incur any permanent brain damage.

Of course I was too chicken to go through with it.

Looking back, it probably wasn't as horrible as I perceived it to be. But I went in thinking I was well-prepared and made the mistake of deciding early on that nope, I wasn’t. I don't know if it's the same for others, but it kinda felt like violent mind-rape in a comic book back alley followed by additional kicking while you’re down...just for...you know, kicks. Sure, you end up with a pass and are branded a "Ph.D. candidate", but like a scared little calf you’re left crumpled and bruised in a dark corner and it’s hard to find your feet again. You may even find yourself suffering from Imposter Syndrome.

It took a year, but I pretty much recovered. Until this, my final year—when Finishing Up Anxiety (FUA) took hold. I’d heard a bit about FUA before from a former labmate. During the final stages of writing when you’re holed up in your tiny cave and not having changed or showered or eaten a proper meal in weeks, you start feeling a little bit crazy. You start banging your head on the wall and imagine all the ways you should have gone about it so that didn’t have to come to this. Shoulda, woulda, coulda. You may even think of throwing in the towel…but you’ve come too far to become an All But Dissertation (ABD) casualty. 

While in this delusional state, The Question you dread most is: “So...when are you going to be done?” Initially, you'll say something like “definitely by the end of term”. Then you watch [fade in] as the end of term passes you by...leaves start changing colour...leaves start to fall...leaves are replaced by snow...[fade out]. Then you start to evade The Question. Then you start avoiding specific people who ask The Question the most. Then you start avoiding people. 

Once in isolation, you may start succumbing to all kinds of mysterious ailments (at least I did). These are likely more often than not symptomatic of FUA-related stress. During the last year I've been pretty certain that I've had Lyme disease, MS, a brain tumour, a detached retina, mercury poisoning, and thyroid cancer (having Google at your fingertips can be both a blessing and a curse). I even went so far as to make arrangements for my beloved pets and prized microscope, in the case of my untimely passing (for reals). While I did have recurring colds and frequent eye infections, most of the above more serious convictions were squashed with visits to medical professionals...leaving me more crazed and confused than ever.

So how to explain my bodily breakdown? Researchers have long known that the behaviours people adopt to deal with stress (increased smoking and alcohol consumption; poor eating habits; lack of exercise, sleep, and interaction with family and friends) can--surprise, surprise--actually exacerbate their already-frazzled states of mind, resulting in decreased immunity and subsequent illness (reviewed in Cohen & Williamson 1991). Those who are introverts and isolated have a higher probability of exhibiting these behaviours and falling ill as a result (Cohen & Williamson 1991). To combat this downward spiral, it's wiser to focus on upping motivation, decision making, and perseverance (McEwen 2008). Practicing self-affirmation (i.e., affirming one's important values) also seems to help buffer the physiological effects of stress (Sherman et al. 2009). 

Unfortunately I didn't read McEwan and Sherman et al.'s papers till just now, and instead employed more of the "bad" coping behaviours listed beforehand. There are a few non-self-destructive activities that helped keep me somewhat sane, however:

• Spending time with pets
• Distracting myself with new hobbies
• Getting away from the computer for awhile and taking long walks outside 
• Reading/learning about things outside of my thesis topic to keep my interest in research piqued...that's how I got into this whole thing anyway, right? 

There's literally tons of advice out there--just Google "PhD stress" or check out the #phdchat stream on Twitter.

Having said all that, my cortisol (a stress hormone) levels are probably at a low right now (green bar at time point 1 in the figure below, taken from a 2004 paper entitled 'Effects of PhD examination stress on allopregnanolone and cortisol plasma levels and peripheral benzodiazepine receptor density' by Fortuyn and colleagues.). We'll see where I'm at by May 15.

Fig. 1. PBR density in blood platelets and plasma allopregnanolone and cortisol levels. Bars indicate means and error bars one standard deviation. Time points on the x-axis (1-4) refer to: four weeks before PhD examination (1); 45 min before PhD examination (2); during PhD examination (3); and four weeks after PhD examination (4). From Fortuyn et al. 2004.

So is it worth it in the long run? 

Well, if you're gunning for a career in academia, you don't really have a choice but to go the PhD route. It's also getting to be more of the norm for senior research positions, at least in my field. But if you're still on the fence about whether or not to start a PhD, realize that it won't be all fun and games. Don't get me wrong; it's also been highly rewarding. I've been extremely lucky in that I've had a wonderful advisor and fantastic labmates. I've had amazing opportunities and experiences I never would have had otherwise. But I didn't expect this level of stress, isolation, and constant guilt...and as mentioned earlier, I used to be the smiling geek who happily spent lunch hours at the library!

In the weeks leading up to D-day, I've 97% convinced myself that if I can get through this, I'll be able to get through pretty much anything from here on in! :)

Will keep you posted,
Nat

***UPDATE (4/26/2012): Having had more time to reflect on my current status and upon receiving concerned messages from those around me, I realize there's one glaring omission from this post. While it's been an immense challenge, I couldn't have made it this far without the encouragement/charitable donations/random acts of kindness from some amazing Homo sapiens (including parents, five sisters + SO's, partner, + friends). They are acknowledged on pp. vii - ix of the submitted dissertation. So yes, a strong support network is definitely a key factor to consider before you decide to embark on this seemingly infinite journey. ;)

REFERENCES:

Cohen, S., and Williamson, G.M. 1991. Stress and infectious disease in humans. Psychological Bulletin 109(1): 5-24.

Fortuyn, H.A.D., van Broekhoven, F., Span, P.N. Backstrom, T., Zitman, F.G., Verkes, R.J. 2004. Effects of PhD examination stress on allopregnanolone and cortisol plasma levels and peripheral benzodiazepine receptor density. Psychoneuroendocrinology 29: 1341-1344.

McEwen, B.s. 2008. Central effects of stress hormones in health and disease: Understanding the protective and damaging effects of stress and stress mediators. European Journal of Pharmacology 583: 174-185.

Sherman, D.K., Bunyan, D.P., Creswell, J.D., and Jaremka, L.M. Psychological vulnerability and stress: The effects of self-affirmation on sympathetic nervous system responses to naturalistic stressors. Health Psychology 28(5): 554-562.